waging wars to shake the poet & the beat...

i am finally back on the internet. i bought a wireless adapter, so it's all good!

i have very much to say...just not feeling up to it right now. i was crushing hard & was let down last night. my mood is not in this blog.

i will post more tomorrow!

i hate to look into those eyes & see an ounce of pain...

in honor of jason konnor's 5th birthday i thought i would share my labor story (minus the gory details, haha) with you all!

it all started on fri, febuary 6th. all day my back was absolutely killing me. now i had back pain throughout my whole pregnancy. my aunt cheryl told me this happened with my cousin, machelle. when she was in labor with morghann kait (my namesake!) her back pain was awful. this was in the back of my mind all day long. the pain kept up throughout the day. i was hanging out with jay's mother while he was at work & i mentioned how i kept getting pains every half hour. jay's mother acting like she knows all as usual tells me it's nothing, i'm fine, i haven't even dropped yet. i know my own body thank you very much. it's snowing like a mofo outside when jay gets home from work. he starts telling me how his windshield wiper broke & has to replace it. i thought nothing of this. haha. i got no sleep that night. i was tossing & turning, completely uncomfortable. around 7 am the next morning i wake jay up. i tell him i'm pretty sure the baby is coming today. he laughs it off thinking i'm just paranoid. once he realizes i am serious he starts freaking out about his windshield wiper & rushes out in the snow to go replace it. i take a shower & shave my legs! yes, i shaved! haha. i even did my hair & make up cause that's how i roll. jay's mother is still thinking i'm fine. while jay's stepfather on the other hand is freaking out because we had to drive from spencer to boston (i refused to switch my doctor when we moved down there. she delivered haileigh & has been my doctor since i was 16. she's an amazing woman!). he tells me even if i am fine we should drive down to my aunt's house & stay there. i eat some eggs with all of them in complete agony. i decide to call my doctor & tell her my water hasn't broke yet & all the good stuff. i hang up the phone with her, stand up, & boom my water breaks. jay & his mother are just staring at me. i was like "DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?!" haha. sure enough they did. we take the trip into boston going through side streets which means bumpy roads! no fun whatsoever. i had to sit halfway off the seat! we get there & they exam me. my water didn't fully break & my contractions were not that strong to be in labor. they tell me to walk around the hospital. ok? that was the most uncomfortable walk i have to say. i decide to go back to my exam room. they tell me they are going to give me pitocin to speed up the contractions. ok, sounds good. haha, man was that painful. i could not sit still. i was whipping all over that bed. everyone's telling me stay still it will pass. shut up! you're not laying in this bed! i am! they had so many issues tracking my contractions. the machine did not want to read them. the nurses had their work cut out with me, lol. they give me the epidural. all was good after that. a few hours pass & i was still feeling the contractions like a mofo. they tell me they can give me more, so they did. another 2 hours pass & i still feel the contractions. my doc tells me that i have what they call a "window" which means the medicine is not hitting one stop. the only thing they can do is take out the needle & put it in again. crazy me agrees to this. the whole time the doc is putting the needle he is talking about my tattoo. i am sitting there like give me the fucking drugs or i will do it myself!! after that shot i felt nothing. cheryl, jyll, & carrie came to see me shortly after that. i was all kinds of doped up. lol. they all left, but jyll said she will come back with tacos for jay. i start feeling really weird. i mean weird. i told the nurse & she ran out of the room grabbed my doc. next thing i know tables are being ripped down & everyone is flying around the room. i was like holy shit, what is going on. the doc tells the baby is coming & he is coming now. i was like oh! ok! it wasn't even 5 minutes of pushing when they tell me his heart beat was dropping. i start crying & they are trying to calm me down. they had to use a "vacuum" on his head to get him out. as soon as he came out they ran away with him to the otherside of the room. i'm crying even more now & jay is just freaked out. the nurse came over to me & told me he is fine. i have a healthy baby boy & they just need to check his heart. when i was finally able to hold him i just remember tears streaming down my face & the tiny little noises he made. everyone else in the room just faded away. it was just me & my baby boy, finally. i waited 9 long months to see him & it was all worth it. at 12:26 am febuary 8th, 2008 my little man was brought into this world. 6 pds 13 ounces & 19 inches of pure bliss.



happy 5th birthday, jason konnor! i absolutely love you & cherish every breath you take. i could never imagine my world without you. you are the reason for my strength & will to face this world everyday. here's to your birthday & many many many more!! mommy loves you!!

you say i'm crazy, i got your crazy...

i need more work hours. ugh. payroll has sucked at work, so hours are limited. it's starting to get on my nerves.

i am exicted for jason's kung fu panda bowling party!! he will love it. he is so obsessed with kung fu panda...it's a little scary. haha. his teacher told me he talks about kung fu panda all the time during circle time. i was like oh, i can only imagine. he walks around "kung fuing" everything. kid is crazy. haha, wonder where he gets that from?

i am working all weekend...my weekend to myself. when i agreed to working every other sat i told them i at least wanted the fri off. it's my weekend to myself, i have the right to do my thing. lol. i haven't had a fri off in over 2 months. haha, here i am complaining about not enough hours only to complain about working every fri. you get me, right? oh well. if all goes as planned i will get some enjoyment out of it. at least the superbowl is on sun. we are having a few ppl over.

i'm feeling much better about things. getting over the shit i had to deal with. my body is back to normal...hooray!! a new/old friend is also making me feel better about things. thank you ;)

that's all for now. enjoy your weekends!!

who's gonna catch me when i fall?

it's been forever since i've posted! this will be short & sweet. i will have a better post on thurs.

this year has been rough for me already. surprise, surprise. luckily have some kick ass friends in my life...mel & jen :). they always can make me smile & remimd me of the finer things in life. i had to make a touch decision recently. while i do know in the end i know i made the right choice, it still hurts. not something i ever wanted to go through, but it is what it is. i worry about how i can walk away from things & not look back & have no regrets. should i regret? i don't think i should, but sometimes i feel like some things should be regretted. i don't know. i go through so many ups & even more downs. i always come out swinging, but how much more can i possibly take? when will i crash & burn? i am just a girl. i feel pain, but i smile. i hurt, but i smile. i ache, but smile. i guess everything does happen for a reason. makes you a stronger person & all that jazz. *shrugs*

ran into an old friend of gee's the other day, johnny. he's a friend of mine as well. he's always been sort of like a brother to me. we hung just about all weekend. good times were had.

i rambled. sorry. haha. more on thurs!!