waging wars to shake the poet & the beat...

i am finally back on the internet. i bought a wireless adapter, so it's all good!

i have very much to say...just not feeling up to it right now. i was crushing hard & was let down last night. my mood is not in this blog.

i will post more tomorrow!

i hate to look into those eyes & see an ounce of pain...

in honor of jason konnor's 5th birthday i thought i would share my labor story (minus the gory details, haha) with you all!

it all started on fri, febuary 6th. all day my back was absolutely killing me. now i had back pain throughout my whole pregnancy. my aunt cheryl told me this happened with my cousin, machelle. when she was in labor with morghann kait (my namesake!) her back pain was awful. this was in the back of my mind all day long. the pain kept up throughout the day. i was hanging out with jay's mother while he was at work & i mentioned how i kept getting pains every half hour. jay's mother acting like she knows all as usual tells me it's nothing, i'm fine, i haven't even dropped yet. i know my own body thank you very much. it's snowing like a mofo outside when jay gets home from work. he starts telling me how his windshield wiper broke & has to replace it. i thought nothing of this. haha. i got no sleep that night. i was tossing & turning, completely uncomfortable. around 7 am the next morning i wake jay up. i tell him i'm pretty sure the baby is coming today. he laughs it off thinking i'm just paranoid. once he realizes i am serious he starts freaking out about his windshield wiper & rushes out in the snow to go replace it. i take a shower & shave my legs! yes, i shaved! haha. i even did my hair & make up cause that's how i roll. jay's mother is still thinking i'm fine. while jay's stepfather on the other hand is freaking out because we had to drive from spencer to boston (i refused to switch my doctor when we moved down there. she delivered haileigh & has been my doctor since i was 16. she's an amazing woman!). he tells me even if i am fine we should drive down to my aunt's house & stay there. i eat some eggs with all of them in complete agony. i decide to call my doctor & tell her my water hasn't broke yet & all the good stuff. i hang up the phone with her, stand up, & boom my water breaks. jay & his mother are just staring at me. i was like "DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?!" haha. sure enough they did. we take the trip into boston going through side streets which means bumpy roads! no fun whatsoever. i had to sit halfway off the seat! we get there & they exam me. my water didn't fully break & my contractions were not that strong to be in labor. they tell me to walk around the hospital. ok? that was the most uncomfortable walk i have to say. i decide to go back to my exam room. they tell me they are going to give me pitocin to speed up the contractions. ok, sounds good. haha, man was that painful. i could not sit still. i was whipping all over that bed. everyone's telling me stay still it will pass. shut up! you're not laying in this bed! i am! they had so many issues tracking my contractions. the machine did not want to read them. the nurses had their work cut out with me, lol. they give me the epidural. all was good after that. a few hours pass & i was still feeling the contractions like a mofo. they tell me they can give me more, so they did. another 2 hours pass & i still feel the contractions. my doc tells me that i have what they call a "window" which means the medicine is not hitting one stop. the only thing they can do is take out the needle & put it in again. crazy me agrees to this. the whole time the doc is putting the needle he is talking about my tattoo. i am sitting there like give me the fucking drugs or i will do it myself!! after that shot i felt nothing. cheryl, jyll, & carrie came to see me shortly after that. i was all kinds of doped up. lol. they all left, but jyll said she will come back with tacos for jay. i start feeling really weird. i mean weird. i told the nurse & she ran out of the room grabbed my doc. next thing i know tables are being ripped down & everyone is flying around the room. i was like holy shit, what is going on. the doc tells the baby is coming & he is coming now. i was like oh! ok! it wasn't even 5 minutes of pushing when they tell me his heart beat was dropping. i start crying & they are trying to calm me down. they had to use a "vacuum" on his head to get him out. as soon as he came out they ran away with him to the otherside of the room. i'm crying even more now & jay is just freaked out. the nurse came over to me & told me he is fine. i have a healthy baby boy & they just need to check his heart. when i was finally able to hold him i just remember tears streaming down my face & the tiny little noises he made. everyone else in the room just faded away. it was just me & my baby boy, finally. i waited 9 long months to see him & it was all worth it. at 12:26 am febuary 8th, 2008 my little man was brought into this world. 6 pds 13 ounces & 19 inches of pure bliss.



happy 5th birthday, jason konnor! i absolutely love you & cherish every breath you take. i could never imagine my world without you. you are the reason for my strength & will to face this world everyday. here's to your birthday & many many many more!! mommy loves you!!

you say i'm crazy, i got your crazy...

i need more work hours. ugh. payroll has sucked at work, so hours are limited. it's starting to get on my nerves.

i am exicted for jason's kung fu panda bowling party!! he will love it. he is so obsessed with kung fu panda...it's a little scary. haha. his teacher told me he talks about kung fu panda all the time during circle time. i was like oh, i can only imagine. he walks around "kung fuing" everything. kid is crazy. haha, wonder where he gets that from?

i am working all weekend...my weekend to myself. when i agreed to working every other sat i told them i at least wanted the fri off. it's my weekend to myself, i have the right to do my thing. lol. i haven't had a fri off in over 2 months. haha, here i am complaining about not enough hours only to complain about working every fri. you get me, right? oh well. if all goes as planned i will get some enjoyment out of it. at least the superbowl is on sun. we are having a few ppl over.

i'm feeling much better about things. getting over the shit i had to deal with. my body is back to normal...hooray!! a new/old friend is also making me feel better about things. thank you ;)

that's all for now. enjoy your weekends!!

who's gonna catch me when i fall?

it's been forever since i've posted! this will be short & sweet. i will have a better post on thurs.

this year has been rough for me already. surprise, surprise. luckily have some kick ass friends in my life...mel & jen :). they always can make me smile & remimd me of the finer things in life. i had to make a touch decision recently. while i do know in the end i know i made the right choice, it still hurts. not something i ever wanted to go through, but it is what it is. i worry about how i can walk away from things & not look back & have no regrets. should i regret? i don't think i should, but sometimes i feel like some things should be regretted. i don't know. i go through so many ups & even more downs. i always come out swinging, but how much more can i possibly take? when will i crash & burn? i am just a girl. i feel pain, but i smile. i hurt, but i smile. i ache, but smile. i guess everything does happen for a reason. makes you a stronger person & all that jazz. *shrugs*

ran into an old friend of gee's the other day, johnny. he's a friend of mine as well. he's always been sort of like a brother to me. we hung just about all weekend. good times were had.

i rambled. sorry. haha. more on thurs!!

makes me crinkle my nose...

i missed you fellow bloggers! i went to restart my comp about 2 weeks ago & the screen to put the password in wouldn't come up! it's still down, but i am on ryan's laptop :) then we lost our internet. that sucked. haha. i will try to recap the past 19 days...well not everyday...

jason was finally taken off the waiting list for school! he started pre-k. he goes for a few hours in the morning. he absolutely loves it. he even got to sing a christmas song on stage! for only being there 3 days he rocked! he yelled yay! at the end. the audience loved it. i was so proud of my little man. i had tears!! he even made me a christmas present. it was a frame made out of popsicle sticks with a pic of santa & him. adorable. i am so happy he loves school!

that boy has come up a few times over the past 2 weeks. he came up wed & spent the night. mel invited us over for a oh so delicious meal, lasaqne. it rocked. we smoked hooka, played games, & drank lots of wine. came home & crashed. he went home thurs night & i went to work. yay.

huge storm hit fri-sun. i was scheduled to work that fri night. i was told we were going to close early...but they didn't. i called in. i walk to work, fuck that shit. they were mad, but ended up closing at 8. oh well. that boy came up again to spend the weekend with me. it was nice. we shoveled. haha. ryan had the brilliant idea to go sledding down our hill. that was a bust. worked the next night. it was dead. kim was the closing mgr, so it was all good. did some christmas shopping with mel & that boy. got the vmotion! haha, that was a mission. we went to toysrus for that. sign said $70, but paid $60. i wanted to get it at walmart seeing how it was only $50. ryan told me she didn't see it there, so i just grabbed it at toysus. went to kmart after that then to wal mart. where we found the vmotion for $50!! it was in a random aisle in a big display case. mel bought it & then later returned the other one to toysrus. worked out well! snowed even more the next day. walked to white hen with that boy. haha, that was an interesting walk in all that snow. drank some beers thanks to matt matt. that boy went home the next day & i went to work. joy. thank god the holidays are over. only thing that sucks is how bad my hours drop. argh.

gee came over christmas eve & dressed up as santa to give the kids there christmas eve jammies. it was awesome! christmas was nice. even with some assholes buying jason the vmotion AND the kung fu panda game knowing this is what i planned on getting him. i have been talking about it for 2 months. they gave it to him on christmas eve when they saw him. when jason's father brought him back to me & i told me i was ready to start throwing pans...fuck dishes. i was rip shit. they took away something i wanted so bad. next year fuck the christmas eve shit. jason can see his dad christmas night or the day after. i am not going through this again. i was absolutely heart broken. when jason opened the one from me, he was still happy. he def would have been more thrilled if he didn't open the same thing the night before. assholes. however, he was super excited over the drum set, bowling pin set, & geotrax airplane. it was a relaxing christmas. very much enjoyable. gee, kim, & mel came over in the afternoon. baby jim came by later on in the day. had a delicious meal!! we run around like crazy ppl on thanksgiving, so this was a very nice change of pace.

worked the day after christmas. i have a week off. i have been doing nada. lol. went out for indian food last night with mel, jason, & her brother. it was, uh, interesting food. very spicey. it was good to get out that. i had a rough day for some reason. my father has been driving me nuts. bitching about everything & anything. stress. miss jennie la came over for a few hours today! that was cool. talked & chilled. i love having that girl back in my life!! i missed her!!

these mem'ries lose their meaning...

there are places I remember all my life,

though some have changed
some forever, not for better

some have gone and some remain.
all these places have their moments of lovers and friends i still can recall

some are dead and some are living

in my life i loved them all.

and with all these friends and lovers

there is no one compares with you

and these mem'ries lose their meaning

when i think of love as something new

and i know i'll never lose affection

for people and things that went before

i know i'll often stop and think about them.

in my life i loved you more.

and i know i'll never lose affection

for people and things that went before

i know i'll often stop and think about them.

in my life i loved you more

in my life I loved you more.

stealing ideas from kolleen & jenn...

people i love.

too many lie committed, too many games...

haha. all i have to say.

mel picked me up from work last night. she had a lot to talk about. well, it seems judge joe brown refused to take her case. he doesn't like the whole assault & battery part of the case. obvs. who would? anyway, i guess he said what he would have had to rule would make him look like the bad guy. we are assuming he would have had to rule in mike's favor seeing how mel destroyed his property...but he doesn't like the reason why the phone was broken. he would have looked like a bad guy going against us when i was beat up. BUT...they said judge judy would take the case. mel talked to them afterwards & they offered the same thing the other show offered. as long as everything works out we will be going the end of january. i hope it works out this time. i will not get my hopes up tho. i don't want to get all excited for nothing again! this is insanity. lol.

after this convo we smoked some hooka & talked girl talk. lol. we got into relationships & first loves. we trashed talk a little & talked sweet a little. mel left around midnight or so. around 130 i got a text from that boy. this is what it said "you could never imagine how sorry i am. you are right, i do suck at life. i hate my life. i hope you are ok. you deserve so much better." i know i deserver so much better. you betrayed me on my birthday. who does that? i know a guy who sucks at life? just a thought. i replied back with "you could have called me to tell me that you made other plans or heres an idea you could have told me the truth about choosing her friendship over me!" haha, i was so proud of myself. he replied & said "i didnt make other plans and i did not choose her over you. but i did let you down, for that i am sorry. i'm a wreck & i don't want you to waster your time. kill me please." kill me please? wtf? why would you say something like that? not cool. i would not want you dead. that pissed me off more than anything. my final reply was "i was betrayed on my birthday. do you know how that feels? i was fine being friends. why did you do that to me? you did make other plans. you went to the movies with her!" after he got this text he called me. he said he didn't go to the movies with her. i was like um, you have a comment on your page about going to her house at 1pm to see fred claus. ok, i live in a bubble & i didn't know this movie was out on dvd. lol. anyway...he told me after we hung up on fri his school called saying he had to be in the office on sat by a certain time. he went down there in the morning & forgot his phone at his mothers. i just don't get this...he was planning on going to his school sat morning, but he did not have plans with her & left his phone at his mothers. when did he talk to her about going to watch a movie? he obvs knew he was going to her house after the school if he did not have his phone. which means he talked to her on FRI about watching a movie...which mean he did have plans. meaning he could have called me to tell me he made other plans. i really don't understand that part. also, he tried telling me they watched the strangers. HAHAHAHA. another lie. she left him a comment on dec. 3rd about them watching the strangers. i confronted him on that one. he was like what? all the days have been blending in, i am so depressed. i was like ya, whatever. he was like oh, wait, we watched forgetting sarah marshall. i was like dude, i honestly don't give a fuck what you watched. you really are just pouring out lie after lie after lie. none of it made sense, so i gave up on trying to figure it out. lol. after all this he was like i felt like i was brushed aside after we decided to make plans because i really wanted to see twilight then you told me you were going with ryan & mel. i was like thats because we went to see it up here & had haileigh with us! you also have no money! man. haha, i know how to pick em, yes? he apologized for ruining my birthday. i was like actually, i had an AMAZING birthday. told him all about it & made sure to mention that kid i met at fireside whose number i got. hahaha. i rock. he started getting mopey & all that. which we know i can never handle. i am too upbeat. we hung up after 40 min or so. it bugs me because he's all about honesty...he lies & lies. i catch him all the time. dude, i am NOT the same girl i was at 14. i have been through a lot & no i am not an idiot. try again.

i am getting dark knight today on dvd from netflix :) i lucked out big time! i sent back my movie on fri & they received it yesterday. they sent out dark knight yesterday...now i get it right away! if they would have recieved my movie today i would have had to wait weeks or just buy it. i could not see this movie in the theater. all summer i had everyone begging me. i love heath ledger & i was honestly devastated when he died. i think he is just amazing. i am looking forward to seeing it tho. mel is coming over after work to watch it with me. i will try not to cry. lol!